In a writing post of mine on FetLife, I gave my own description, as best as I could of my own personality:
I can be completely despicable in my own selfish nature, because there are times where I simply think I'm better than everyone else and the world revolves around me. I can be petty, snide, sarcastic and rude. I've been jealous and never admitted as much to the men who I've claimed otherwise to. And somehow, I can turn that around and make it their fault, and still feel justified in the end.
I like to hold back my negative emotions, and keep them safely tucked away, because I've convinced myself that to admit them is akin to weakness. I hate confrontations. I can sometimes leave problems to stew and morph into bigger issues because I just cannot be bothered to make the effort to change them. I rarely admit when I'm needing emotional comfort, or could use an ear. When things in life scare me, I laugh them off and even lie when asked what's really bothering me.
I have a deep capacity for affection, but fail to understand what being loved or giving that love really means. I tend to avoid emotional entanglements because I'll sabotage the relationship eventually, out of my own inability to understand what it takes to make one work.
I have an amazing understanding of my own sexuality, and how I see myself in that capacity. I am masochistic, and lovely in the simple hunger that has become as a result of exploring the sensations of pain. I am intelligent and witty, and have an excellent sense of humor which sometimes makes even me laugh and on the odd occasion, snort like a piggy. I love to dress up and go out, and enjoy the company of people.
I cry watching sad movies. I love the smell of rain and the morning air as it comes through my window. I prefer my pillows cold but must be buried under a warm comforter. (That oddly feels as soft as a suede jacket!) I never got chess, and suck at checkers. My hair can piss me off when it does not do what I want, and I have even thought how easy it would be to chop it off. I have no pinkie toenails.
I love the idea of forever after, even if it's a fairy tale. I'm determined that waiting to find the perfect match is better than a string of relationships that don't work. I'm alright with being alone, but hate going to bed alone at night.
I am a complex and even contradicting cunt at times. But, when it comes down to it, I'll almost always admit to myself who's really at fault.
And, I'm still the tonja.
