In a writing post of mine on FetLife, I gave my own description, as best as I could of my own personality:
I can be completely despicable in my own selfish nature, because there are times where I simply think I'm better than everyone else and the world revolves around me. I can be petty, snide, sarcastic and rude. I've been jealous and never admitted as much to the men who I've claimed otherwise to. And somehow, I can turn that around and make it their fault, and still feel justified in the end.
I like to hold back my negative emotions, and keep them safely tucked away, because I've convinced myself that to admit them is akin to weakness. I hate confrontations. I can sometimes leave problems to stew and morph into bigger issues because I just cannot be bothered to make the effort to change them. I rarely admit when I'm needing emotional comfort, or could use an ear. When things in life scare me, I laugh them off and even lie when asked what's really bothering me.
I have a deep capacity for affection, but fail to understand what being loved or giving that love really means. I tend to avoid emotional entanglements because I'll sabotage the relationship eventually, out of my own inability to understand what it takes to make one work.
I have an amazing understanding of my own sexuality, and how I see myself in that capacity. I am masochistic, and lovely in the simple hunger that has become as a result of exploring the sensations of pain. I am intelligent and witty, and have an excellent sense of humor which sometimes makes even me laugh and on the odd occasion, snort like a piggy. I love to dress up and go out, and enjoy the company of people.
I cry watching sad movies. I love the smell of rain and the morning air as it comes through my window. I prefer my pillows cold but must be buried under a warm comforter. (That oddly feels as soft as a suede jacket!) I never got chess, and suck at checkers. My hair can piss me off when it does not do what I want, and I have even thought how easy it would be to chop it off. I have no pinkie toenails.
I love the idea of forever after, even if it's a fairy tale. I'm determined that waiting to find the perfect match is better than a string of relationships that don't work. I'm alright with being alone, but hate going to bed alone at night.
I am a complex and even contradicting cunt at times. But, when it comes down to it, I'll almost always admit to myself who's really at fault.
And, I'm still the tonja.
4 comments:
I'm taken aback by how well you know yourself and in awe (yeah 'awe' is the right word) at how directly you approached those aspects of yourself you see as drawbacks or foibles. Maybe they are, maybe there not, I'm not a talented psychoanalyst so wouldn't begin to pretend to know. Beyond that, I know that one of the hardest things in life to do, is to face and examine one's own failings, to face those things inside each of us that we're bad at. In business, and probably in every other endeavor in life for that matter, the better you understand those things, the better your chances are of being able to compensate for them. In a sense, it's the smart answer to the adage "We all are our best worst enemy." The most successfully are those who find ways of not getting in their own way of what they want to do. Of course, knowing what you want to do, also requires to you know yourself. But that's the easy side. Admitting to the things you love and are passionate about. Any fool can do that.
I'll be honest. I just met you over Twitter and I think you're great. But then again, I'm retardedly gullible and will believe anything anyone tells me. Thank God for my cold analytical side, which will fact-check everything and anything no matter whose feelings it may hurt, or I'd be a sucker for every passive-aggressive saboteur who happens my way.
I'm curious about one thing, though. How will you know who will make the perfect match for you? How are you going to recognize the person who is perfect for you when you meet them?
sterling.
Thank you, for the time you took to write me.
I agree with a lot of what you have said, mainly that being, "I know that one of the hardest things in life to do, is to face and examine one's own failings, to face those things inside each of us that we're bad at." Truth is never easy. However, I like laying things out on the table so that I'm not the only one able to see them.
What is your name on Twitter? My apologies, but I am horrible with name! My memory is no better either.
How will I know when I meet the perfect match for me? Internally, I will recognize something within that person, that resonates with me. I doubt it is going to be a moment of eureka. But gradually, over time, I'll be able to leave the fear and trepidation behind and find the confidence and security in the relationship as it progresses.
My name is Sterling Kekoa. On Twitter, I'm skekoa. We chatted about a number of things the other night, including Mr. Bubble. LOL
tonja, awesome reflection of yourself. I can very much relate to holding back any negative emotions and letting someone know i might need to be comforted. For me its allowing someone in when im vunerable.
shadz
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